Current state of the union (I got mad at myself today… again)


(I was given this award but I still feel crappy sometimes)

Do you remember a book series called The Clique? I was extremely glued to them in the 5th grade. I poured over them constantly, and identified with characters for the first time. I wonder if that’s a precursor to my love of Gossip Girl. Anyway, I always name anything I write about myself in the current state, “current state of the union”, because the main character in the series (Massie?) always did, so here we are.

I don’t know if you guys would want to hear any of this since this is a personal post, and I’m not doing well with finishing my music of 2016 series at a good pace. But I felt like writing this post, because I woke up struggling and feeling negative today, and I’ve been really trying to cut back on the way I talk to myself.

I’m in a difficult class right now. It took me FOREVER to pass general math, a requirement for my degree. It was a class I needed for statistics which was the next step in my final college journey. I’ve been doing really well, which is really surprising considering how much I struggled with general math. The central problem about this situation is that I’m extremely hesitant about my ability to succeed in this class. I cannot simply accept that I’m doing better, and ride that wave. My negative inner voice has to strike, and tell me to remember that a good streak won’t last forever.

The truth of the matter is, I talk to myself terribly. I never congratulate myself for a job well done. I have always been terrible at this, and I really don’t know where the source of the issue is. I can enjoy a personal triumph in the moment, but not for very long because I’m pretty sure I’ll have a bump in the road.

My negative self perception has been pretty bad in the past year. While it isn’t at an all-time high, it has been louder. I can rattle all of my struggles out but I’ll spare you. They all have roots in time.

I’m taking a longer time to graduate. I’ve had setbacks with the aforementioned math class, which has kept me in school a few additional semesters. I’ve had plenty of supportive voices in my life who are able to remind me that every person completes things at their own pace, which I know to be true! However, I struggle to keep that in mind. I’m always convinced there is *someone* out there looking at my situation negatively.

I’ve been doing well enough lately to the point where I’m able to comprehend that the pace at which I complete school is only mine. The important factor is that I haven’t given up. I’m going to graduate in 2017, and I’m going to exhale so hard that I’ll evaporate.

I was texting a longtime friend yesterday. He’s known me long enough to know that I tend to get wrapped up in my own bubble, and he has been able to get me to snap out of it pretty well over the past eight years. The conversation was simple. We just talked about something we were mutually frustrated over, and it felt so good. I thrive off of learning that I have struggles in common with people. When my yell-y inner voice gets too angry, it’s hard to remember that PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE SAME STRUGGLES.

I’ve been changing my routine a little to help with how I perceive myself. I’ve been doing yoga nearly everyday, and doing a general exercise routine on the days that I’m feeling a little extra mean to myself. It’s actually helping to get in touch with how I’m feeling and connect with my general ability to be a human.

I’m writing this post today because I yelled at myself this morning, and I’m feeling pretty low about the current state of the world. Talking about it and realizing what I can do in order to positively influence myself and other people has been such a relief. I’ve been in a long stretch of bottling my feelings and self-doubt for a long time, but I think I’m finally coming out of it. I’m going to have hard days but I’ve got the power to make change for myself and be a positive influence. It’s in there. I just have to wake her up a little.

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