one year later

me

It’s officially been one year (and a few days- Procrastination is my middle name!) since I started my blog. This picture was taken in the library of my college, exactly where I started my blog; I was supposed to be doing spanish homework I think.

I had big dreams for my blog. I still do, but the dreams seemed to be much bigger then. Everything seemed to be much bigger to me one year ago. I was finishing my last semester of school that I would spend on campus, and my biggest focus was graduating and moving on into the next phase in my life; as cliché as it is, I wanted to have a career in radio and I was extremely hellbent on maintaining my relationship at the same time, eagerly ready to propel it into the next level- just because I thought that was what you were supposed to do.

One of my first posts on the blog was about my love for Gilmore Girls. I was extremely excited for the Netflix revival, which was supposed to air on Thanksgiving. I haven’t talked much about the revival publicly or even in conversation, because it resonated with me on a deep level. The thought of watching it evokes extreme sadness, which I think is a little ridiculous because it’s a TV show, and you’re not supposed to get “worked up” over something as trivial as a tv show.

I was so transfixed with the show. Each episode represented a season in a year in the lives of Lorelai and Rory, a decade after the original show’s conclusion. Watching the show one year ago was exciting for me due to the focus on time passage. I was happy to see changes happen to the residents of Stars Hollow, because change is a given. Ten years had passed, so of course there would be differences in the characters’ lives.

I had not yet began to feel stagnant in my life. I had a plan and I was taking the steps to follow it. In the revival, Rory’s life was stagnant and she struggled with trying to figure out what came next. She made various types of decisions and none of them seemed to fit together for her. One year ago, I watched the revival and couldn’t really relate. One year later, I do. I feel like I’m Rory. Among other reasons, it’s hard for me to watch the revival because it feels like we’re taking a deep look into my current situation.

Before you tell me this period of the unknown isn’t permanent, I know that. I feel extremely defensive when I talk about feeling stagnant because you’re not supposed to feel this way at this point in time, when it feels as if everyone around you has a plan. I do not give myself credit for modifying my situation in life because I knew I needed change; I trusted myself. I knew I needed to figure my life out and make new discoveries before I committed myself to what I viewed as permanent situations.

I wasn’t very happy a year ago but I stayed in a place of unhappiness because I thought you were supposed to have a plan despite however negative you might feel. Sometimes I miss where I was a year ago, but that’s only because I miss the idea of having a plan. I know some of you might be thinking, “well, make some sort of plan if you are so unhappy about not having one!”

I’m doing that, I promise. What is most important about taking the time to make a plan is to take some time to figure yourself out. I really really needed to do that. I’m going through a period now where I’m getting to know myself better as a person. I’m learning something new about myself daily, and frankly, I don’t like some stuff I’m finding out about myself. However, it’s still important for me to come to these conclusions, because they will serve me well in figuring out the “next step” in my journey… whenever I figure that out. I wasn’t thinking a lot one year ago. I am now, and as cliché as it is, I’ve learned to tell myself, “where you lead- I will follow.” (UGH I AM SORRY)

 

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